Over the past few weeks, I’ve been up to my neck in DIYs. I’m getting my current home ready for the market. For most of this epic journey, I’ve felt great and productive and sort of like a local hero. I imagine my community gathers at night at the dog park, and while they let their animals engage in a shit war that no one’s going to clean up, they share stories from my long and arduous days which have inspired them to become better people.
But then there are the times when I take a brief break and see a crater I overlooked in the wall, or paint drops where they shouldn’t be (maybe hanging out, throwing a rave on the molding I just refinished!), or blotches in the paint because the coat wasn’t thick enough, or something that’s cracked and shouldn’t be because I’ve never used the damn thing before, or a new spot which appears in the ceiling which I pray isn’t a leak—during these times, I feel immense sorrow.
Fortunately, my work is coming to a close, and I have begun transitioning into the seemingly endless home search phase. With less of a burden on my shoulders, I have also found time to connect with other DIY guys, form a band, and write and record music for a new project we’re calling The House Hunters.
Check out the track listing for our huge, deluxe, special edition debut album below:
Album Title: ABORT—HIT THE BACK BUTTON!
- I’m ready for WOW (not Time Warner Cable)
- This one looks promising
- Oh look, it’s move-out ready
- 1 pic pony
- 2 yards of yard
- For sale by a kindergartener
- I don’t think I want to live on Ball Sack Boulevard
- That’s a pueblo
- The toilet facing tub conundrum
- Whoa, whoa, whoa—this place has HVAC? Yes, sir. So what you’re telling me is that it has a disease?
- I winterized my fists
- Thanks for all 78 angles of your lawn (the up-close shot of that long-stemmed rose was something to behold), but how about letting me see the inside now?
- This house is leprechaun-accessible
- I could see myself growing old in this home…from the moment I moved in
- Unmotivated sellers (We let our 4-year-old take these pics)
- This could be a sunroom or a morgue, whatever appeals to you more
- Clown molding
- Within walking distance of the whorehouse
- Is this place being sold or auditioning for Hoarders?
- Excuse me—how many grandmothers currently live here? Seven? Damn, I was close.
- Psychiatric white whites
- I didn’t even know there were 129 real estate apps until my phone couldn’t hold anymore
- So you’re telling me the name of the décor is “given up”?
- Stain your deck, not your carpets
- ½ person kitchen
- Go foreclose yourself, broker
- They thought their only options for flooring were paper or plastic
- Goddamn-it, this is the 68th time I’ve seen this house, and I’m not even exaggerating
- Your bed and StairMaster look like a motorcycle with a sidecar
- Ode to ‘80s Golden Oak
- That’s a (fire) starter home
- Must-see my ass
- I told my kids, “If you don’t behave, this is the home we’ll be moving into.”
- Bathroom mirror selfie (dear seller, I’ve seen your face)
- If I owned that bathroom, I’d flush the toilet
- I can’t wait to caulk that deck!
- Can I see the ranch? No, the house.
- Once you go fuchsia, you will never sell your home
- I’m never going to find “the one”
- Oh wait, this might be new…
- Damn it to Hell! This is the 69th time I’ve seen this house! I hope it burns to the ground so I can move on with my life!